Chaos

Right now I am trying to be in a place of calm, a place where I can chill out and then handle the chaos of life better. You don’t just get it overnight; you have to work at it. It’s a daily struggle.

Jackee Harry

I have so much on my mind these days. I often think, “I need to start meditating again,” and I laugh. I am the opposite of being present. I am anxious, I am worried, I am tired. My mind is occupied with a ten-year-old son with high-functioning autism who pushes the envelope at every turn (“Can I watch one more episode of Adventure Time?” when I tell him to go to bed – “I’m still hungry; can I get another snack?”), who in addition to normal ten-year-old boy challenges has meltdowns when his piano lessons get frustrating.

My mind is on my dog who recently started having seizures, and although she appears to be improving with medication, she is still having seizures more often than the vet feels is within the “acceptable” range.” Yet tests aren’t telling us anything we need to know, and so I’m left to wonder how long it will be until her next episode, and whether she feels scared when it happens.

My mind is on my job and continual changes that are outside of my control. I feel lost and directionless; I don’t know if I contribute or where I should go next.

Finances are an eternal stressor, along with housework that’s never complete. I should be eating better, I should be exercising, I should be sleeping more.

Constant worry, anxiety, fear that I don’t measure up to my own high standards. Solitude, no one I can rely on to help me get the job done.

I’m searching for something to quiet this constant thunderstorm rumbling through my head.

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Serenity

How do you learn to accept yourself the way you are?
For as long as I can remember (since puberty, starting at age 8), I’ve been critical of the way I’ve looked. I never thought I was pretty, and I always thought I was fat. I know many people grow up with a negative self-image, and I try to love myself for who I am. It seems so disingenuous.
I’m working on my body. I can’t be perfect but I can lose weight. But time marches on. At 40, I thankfully don’t have any wrinkles, but the bags and dark circles under my eyes will forever plague my self-image. There’s only so much I can do, due to various health issues. I wear makeup sometimes, but it’s not a priority. But my eyes used to be one of my assets. Now I have so much to cover up.
I know there will be more and more imperfections as I get older. I have to accept the things I can’t change.